Parental Alienation System is Child Abuse!

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Parental Alienations Syndrome is Child Abuse and anyone who supports a woman or a man who keeps their children from seeing their other parent, and spews lies and garbage about them to make the child hate them, belongs in jail. It damages the child for life.

13 Changes I Would Like to See In Family Court.

my wish list

Observing the practices in family court in Alberta, Canada and Queensland, Australia, both supposedly using the same legal system, Queensland leaves Alberta for dead.  The professionalism, thoroughness, and level of care, is so superior, I am embarrassed by what happens in Alberta.  But even Queensland has plenty of room for improvement and the horror stories of what happens in family court are not unique to one country.

This is my wish list:

1. Actually take the time to assess the needs of the children, don’t just assume the parents are equipped to understand what that is. Having a family in crisis present at court is an opportunity to assess, prevent and educate. Use it. Follow up whatever programmes are set in place for the children.

2. Assess the parenting skills of the parents, insist on them getting the help they need to better understand their roles. Follow up whatever is set in place. Make sure it happens.

3. Educate on the dangers of PAS and make sure neither parent is abusing their child. Emotional Abuse may leave invisible scars but the wounds are just as painful for the child. Pay close attention to the dynamics of the family. Use common sense.

4. Look at the total financial picture, before making a decision. If the wife deserves a standard of living, so does the husband. Women cannot claim to be equal and then insist they need special consideration when it comes to their future. They are as capable of earning money to support themselves as the husbands are and husbands are as capable of taking care of the children. It has to be equal responsibility and benefit.

5. Insist all people involved in family court be trained. Check and have ongoing education to assure they are carrying out their jobs without falling into stereotypes or being prejudiced against either moms or dads. Not all fathers are dead beats and not all moms are abusing the system.

6. Uphold the rules of court. Perjury is against the law. Perhaps enforcing it will make parents think twice about making false accusations and using their day in court to destroy one another.

7. Enforce the court orders. If a parent is supposed to have visits, let the other parent have legal means to see that is done. If a parent moves, making it impossible for the other parent, hold them legally accountable for breaching the orders.

8. Stop the circle of “call the police, call social services.” Which one? Someone take responsibility and stop passing the buck. These two departments should be working together and respect one another’s concerns and suggestions.

9. Use common sense. Police presence can prevent trauma for everyone. A woman cannot serve the man accused of abusing her with his restraining order. Of all the events that need financial support, serving the documents has to be one of the most important. The court encourages the parents not to fight in front of the children and then they set up legal processes that cause needless drama.

10. Hold Social Services responsible for their consistent non action on reported cases when it is proven that they failed the children. Fire the people who looked the other way. Accept that there is a possibility of corruption in that department and make sure that none of the people involved in any case have prior connections that present conflict of interest in carrying out their duties.

11. Make sure the lawyers who are assigned to represent a child have some ability to understand children and that they take their job seriously. Of all the jobs lawyers do this is one where they need to have some aptitude for it beyond “I’m available to take a case.”

12. If you can accept that a child is capable of lying and saying a parent is abusive when they are not, then surely it is not a big stretch to consider a child is capable of lying and saying everything is OK, when it is not. Parents can influence a child to lie either way. A good lawyer, Social Worker, Police Officer should be able to see that.

13. Have follow ups with the children and families as to the effectiveness, or lack of, of the courts rulings. Use that information to better educate judges and lawyers and to make changes to the system. Hold judges accountable when they show a clear consistent record of having erred in their decisions to cause more damage, as in … fire them.

Right now family court is such a joke as to be a complete waste of time. It is more about the relationships between lawyers, judges, Children’s Services, the Police, and the clerks, than it is about the facts of each case. Of all the courts, this is the only one where the laws depend on the mood of the judge hearing the case. If they have a bad dad, all the people appearing in front of them are going to have a bad day. If they have a good day, they are more likely to put in some effort. If the case in front of you has a dead beat dad, chances are all dad’s appearing on that day are going to be tainted as dead beats. People can speak rudely, they can lie, they can completely disregard the orders of the court, and no-one follows up or cares.

These are our children. When they are brought before the court for help in sorting out their family problems, let’s err on the side of caution. It is the perfect time to double check and it should take priority over programs to help them after they break the law and rob a store or kill someone. THIS is prevention opportunity. Let’s use it.

Quote

“We will meet many difficult moments in our lives – people will abuse us or take us for granted, people we love will leave us; our expectations of others and ourselves will be disappointed, and there will be times when we are misunderstood or judged unfairly. The difficult encounters and moments in our lives spiral into complexity when aversion and fear are layered upon them. With aversion come innumerable ideas about how we think the world, other people, and ourselves should be, together with our strategies for turning those ideas into reality. With fear is born in our imagination what might befall us, the endless possibilities of misfortune, and our desire to flee from difficulties. Oscar Wilde once said, “The most terrible things in my life never actually happened.” In case they do, we want to be well rehearsed.

There is a simpler way of being with the difficult and painful in this life; to listen closely; to stay present, to investigate, and question – “Here is suffering. There are causes that can be understood without blame. What is the path to the end of suffering in this moment?” The path may involve intervention, the courage to say “no,” wise action; it may involve forgiveness, tolerance, or patience. Whether our response to suffering is an inner or an outer one, compassion roots itself in the dedication to ending sorrow. Our capacity to make peace with the difficult is hindered and made complex through the added ingredients of aversion, fear, and avoidance. These are the layers of complexity that we can learn to understand and release.” Christina Feldman

Humans Are “Beings” Not “Doings.”

who you are

 

“Don’t tell me what you are going to do, tell me what you have done.” I read that on someone’s online profile. People put up their profiles like ads for the internet. Quotes that are meant to tell us about the person have replaced the old ads of, “I like long walks on the beach . . . “

I thought about the quote. It makes sense. Lots of people talk about what they are going to do, and what we are going to do is usually grand and impressive. Some people tell the story about what they are going to do right up until their last breath. It ends up being just a good story about what might have been.

What people have done gives you a much stronger measure of what the person is capable of. We draw certain conclusions from positive achievements about the character and the strengths of people. Unfortunately we also draw certain conclusions about the negative. Looking at what people have done is not an effective way of determining the value of a human being.

I don’t care about what you have done, or what you are going to do. I care about who you are right now.

We are not “human doings.” What we do, or do not do, are not the best measures of a soul. The events, the accomplishments, are events of circumstances. Some people are given the opportunity to travel the world. Some people never get beyond the street they grow up on. If someone has a grand experience we expect them to be grand. We are fascinated by it.

We lose perspective in many ways because we are focussed in the things we can measure. People praise Princess Diana for her charitable works and the monies that she donated. There is no doubt she did a lot. But she also had millions at her disposal. She had status and access to people and platforms. She had unlimited travel. She had people to tend to her every need and to arrange whatever she wanted. She did her work dressed in nice clothes, from a comfortable distance. In comparison to what she had, did she really give or do that much?

Then you look at Mother Theresa who had nothing, who gave everything, 24/7 to her work. She worked among the lepers. She bathed the sick and dying.

Yet when Diana died the world stopped.

Mother Theresa died about the same time. Very little was said or done.

I am not taking away from those events and the courage or talent of the people who accomplish these things. What I am suggesting is that when we consider the value of a person, the only impact the events have is as to the lasting impression they have had on who that person is. What did they learn from the experience? What did they gain? How has it made a difference to who they are today?

If I climb Mount Everest it is going to make a huge impact on my life, just as it would to anyone who climbed it. I find myself fascinated with people who have ordinary and mundane experiences and somehow pull something from them that makes them incredible people. I am fascinated with people who have horrible things happen to them, things that would destroy most of us, who turn it into a catalyst for some great outreach or understanding.

I am impressed by the parents who raise a handicapped child to believe that anything is possible. I am impressed by the man who makes time for his kids and who teaches them that men can be gentle as well as strong. I am impressed by the person who despite being poor themselves, gives to others what they can, not minding if they suffer in doing so. I am impressed with the person who tells the truth at great personal cost. I am impressed with people willing to say “no,” all alone, in a huge crowd of people shouting, “yes.”

Events in our lives are simply opportunities. This is true regardless of whether they are good or bad.

The value of a human being will never be found in what they have done, how much money they have, or what they look like. The value of a human being can only be found in the quality of their heart and how they manifest it every day. It is found in their response to what life throws at them, at how they learn to use life to be better people, or use it to hurt and destroy others.

Ultimately, the value of a human being is demonstrated greatly in our ability to value each other. Valuing money, looks, accomplishments in other people, tells the world what matters to us. What is sad about that is that none of these things are real or lasting. They are empty comfort in our lives.

Before we can see who people are we have to first learn to love ourselves, for who we are. We are not more loveable when we become a doctor, or lose 10 lbs, or make a million dollars. We are valuable now. If we cannot see that in ourselves, we will never see it in others.

Quote

“We need to let go of this idea of not being ‘sick enough’. And we also need to stop blaming it on the disorder. You are sick. You are also enough. The relationship ends there. At the heart of it, this is about your sense of self worth. The belief that you don’t deserve the same love, care, help and nourishment as others. This will belief will not change in response to your physical state; it’s an internal – not an external – condition. And I think sometimes we believe that if our outsides match our insides someone will see the pain we’re in. But physical pain will never compare with how you hurt emotionally, and you don’t need to use your body to validate your suffering. You are worthy of love and care if you are healthy; you are worthy of love and care if you are sick. There is no scale of sickness; being sick doesn’t change your value and worth as a human being, even in those dark times when you struggle to believe it.”  Liquid Diamonds Flowing

Ask Auntie Soshel

Auntie Soshel

 

 

This week’s questions come from two young women, caught up in the life and death struggle of their romantic relationships and what to do with their significant other.  I am sure many of you can relate to their heart wrenching dilemmas.

 

Dear Auntie Soshel; 

I have been going out with this guy for about 3 years and I am so over it.   He is such a loser and so needy and clingy.   I need to dump him but I don’t know if it is easier to just leave without saying anything or whether I should invite him to dinner and break it to him nicely?  I don’t want a big scene or anything because I know I am sure about this.  What is your advice? 

Desperate for Freedom

 

Dear Desperate;

Put him in a cardboard box, drive out into the country until you see a nice farm and drop the box off along the side of a road.

Farmers always pick up boxes of stray animals from the roadside and take them home.  Sometimes they nurture and care for them and everyone’s life is better for it.  Who doesn’t love a box full of kittens or puppies?  Where do you think all those lovely pictures on the internet come from?  Think of it like helping mother nature to equally distribute the wildlife amongst the farmers who are really struggling right now.  I realize your boyfriend is not a kitty or a puppy but he is housetrained right?   And farmers can always use an extra pair of hands around the farm.

Even if the farmer doesn’t need any extra help, and is in a grumpy mood . . .  he will just take your boyfriend to the creek and drown him, which may be more comforting to you anyway.

 

 

Dear Auntie Soshel; 

My boyfriend is such a douchesicle. He is so self-centered because he is always looking at himself in the mirror and thinking he is hot. He thinks I am lucky to have him for a boyfriend but all his friends try to hit on me all the time and I get lots of offers from other guys.  I just want him to stop looking in the mirror for 5 minutes and pay more attention to me?  I don’t even think he is that hot really. What should I do? 

Heated Up

 

Dear Hot Stuff;

You really cannot presume to tell someone else that they are not hot when they say they are.  Every one is entitled to their own feelings and temperature.  Have you even taken his temperature?  It could be male menopause or something because you know,  some men do suffer hot flashes.

I recommend a rectal thermometer.  A really big one.  If he does not seem keen on the idea, get dressed up in a nurse’s uniform.  Men are so predictable.  Once you have established his temperature/or lack of one either you can get off your high horse or he can have a special sticker for completing the first step towards recovery – accepting that he has a problem, that being he thinks he is hot when he is clearly normal or maybe even below average.  But you may also be able to locate his head while you are inserting the thermometer and arrange to have it dislodged.  This could be a meaningful intervention that bonds you for life.

. . . orrrrr, it might be grounds for an assault charge and land you in jail.  Either way your problem is solved.

 

Auntie Soshel would also like to announce that I have had to cancel the sock puppet play for the St. Mary’s School for Girl raised under a rock, blindfolded and dressed in bubble wrap, featuring Binky and Winky .. the anatomically correct sock puppets in a pseudo shakespearian, Anne Rician, James Bondian. Mr Beanian thriller about how babies are made.  Binky’s penis fell off and has been irrepairably damaged.   Now accepting donations of anatomically correct sock puppets. . . and money … always accepting money …

Keep those questions coming!