Lots of thoughts today about focusing on my actions and making sure I am not reacting to life. I remind myself I cannot control other people and that the only time I feel really off my own base and lose my sense of calm is when I find myself standing at the helm of other people’s boats, trying to steer them. Not my job. I just need to focus on me and doing what I am supposed to be doing and love people enough to let them have their own lives.
I freely admit it is hard for me sometimes, especially when I see that some people choose disaster and unhappiness and contention as a way of life. I want to get the life boat out and go and rescue them. And then I slap myself upside the head and remind myself not to be so arrogant. The journey has a purpose and the lessons have to be learned in their own way. I eventually make it back to my own boat and realize I have gone off course while I have been busy worrying about others.
My course is designed for me and when I abandon it like that, I miss out on valuable experiences meant for me.
I hope all this becomes more instinctual for me some day.
I know it is sometimes hard for people to understand that I do not hate people, even those that hurt me terribly. I have always been blessed with the ability to forgive people. I feel such deep and profound love for others, for nature, for God.
Even if I have to make the decision to not have certain people or situations in my life, I don’t stop loving them. I just have to love them from a safe distance, unengaged. I can’t imagine the energy it would take to keep a hate alive, to actively pursue it daily, to obsess over it. I could not live with myself or lay down at night and sleep if I thought I had spent time that day purposefully doing things to hurt other people.
Of course I have hurt people without thinking.
That is hard enough.
Of course people are hurt over things I do that I cannot undo. My grandmother hated that I had to stand up and speak out for political and social situations. It was embarrassing for her because she grew up in a generation where nice girls just sit there … and be nice. I could not change who I was for her.
I get a choice to love people or hate them. My choice does not impact them as much as it does me and I would not survive a body and life filled with hate. I don’t have that kind of strength.
I hope that is my legacy. I hope I impact the world around me with a gentle kindness and that I never become so hardened as to not notice or be moved by the suffering of others. I may not always have answers or the ability to do much to change things but I always have a shoulder for people to cry on, two arms to hold them with and time to be with them.
Sometimes people who are in such pain just need to be seen. We have become so immune to even acknowledging some people . . . as if they are that insignificant and their pain nothing at all to us.
I love this. Life is what we are all sharing and it is not mine or yours and we cannot start deciding who gets to live or who doesn’t, or who is of value and who isn’t. THAT is not a choice we ever get to make. We are all here because of the miracle of life, a gift that we did not earn. The person next to you is here via that same gift. How arrogant of us to then decide that money or culture or race or religion or looks or intelligence or ANYTHING then changes the value of a person.