It isn’t weakness, or fear, it is a deep intrinsic understanding that I alone can give myself what I need.
In the solace of my own company I can replenish my wells, reflect on the lessons, and make adjustments. It is where decisions are made regarding the path I will take. I need the quiet to heal and to understand. Sometimes it is nothing more than comfort and time and gentle reminders of who I am and at other times it is the painful revealing of my own shortcomings and the need for more work. THAT is something I decide. No matter how loud or angry the voices are that shout at me, I never abdicate my responsibility for myself.
Within myself is mother, mentor, friend, and God. It is my sanctuary. It is my school room. It is always filled with love and light. It is patient with me. It never allows me to make excuses or hide myself. It has never denied me what I have needed. It has never abandoned me.
There is great joy in sharing out lives with others … in feeling their love for us and being comforted and nurtured and supported . . . but I can never substitute it for my need to be all of those things to myself. I am grateful for those experiences of my childhood, painful that they were, that taught me this lesson. I am grateful for a partner that understands my need to be alone and to work things out, who allows me my own thoughts and ideas and is never offended when I cannot agree with his. Sometimes I wonder that I am where I am, emotionally, and then I remember my best friend always promised me I would find the peace I sought, and as always, my heart has never lied to me.