Sometimes life throws a whole bunch of events at us that require immediate, fight or flight reactions. When the bombs stop falling and the dust settles, I am often dazed and confused . . . and a lot of that comes from the whirlwind of emotional reactions elicited from me. I am often left feeling like a victim of those emotions, disappointed in myself for not having been able to choose a response more in keeping with who I know I am.
It is a reminder that my emotions are not yet completely intuitive.
The only thing I can do is to withdraw from situations and people that do not contribute to my being centred.
I have to rediscover myself and remind myself that I am who I am. Mistakes do not define me, they refine me. I take time to be thankful that I am directed towards areas that still need work. Sometimes the experience opens old wounds, I thought healed. It require me to readdress issues. Sometimes I need to remind myself I am equal to that task and to take myself in hand and get out of victim mode.
Victim mode is not something I will ever surrender to. My whole childhood was proof that I was never intended to be a victim. I am a survivor. I don’t HOPE that I am. I KNOW that I am. I will never give in to people who attempt to hurt me, or take from me, or destroy me. THEY don’t get a life less lived because of their lack of compassion or kindness. They get my sympathy and prayers but I always get the best of me, focused and believing, in my abilities, my strengths . . . my worth.
That is not to suggest I am Super Woman because I am not. I am as fragile as the next person, maybe more so. I am also as strong as anyone … because we are all … just … human beings.
So I am in reminder phase. I need time to rediscover myself and remind myself who I am and who I am not. I know I need to heal. I know I will heal.
I will take time away from technology and people and go into the wilderness with a man whom I would go anywhere with. He has traveled closer to my soul than anyone else I have ever known. He sees me. He loves me. He knows where to find me when I am lost to myself. In nature, where all life is loved and honoured, I will take my place beside the mighty trees, the tender shoots of new life, the gentle streams and the mighty ocean waves. I will hear the messages of love and peace. I will refocus my perspective on what is important for me. I will make that journey or rediscovery, address the issues I need to heal, and I will return prepared to soldier on.
I will end up being thankful for those who dropped the bombs.
I will appreciate me.
I will appreciate my life.
I will breathe in.