Sometimes life throws a whole bunch of events at us that require immediate, fight or flight reactions.  When the bombs stop falling and the dust settles, I am often dazed and confused . . . and a lot of that comes from the whirlwind of emotional reactions elicited from me.  I am often left feeling like a victim of those emotions, disappointed in myself for not having been able to choose a response more in keeping with who I know I am.

It is a reminder that my emotions are not yet completely intuitive.

The only thing I can do is to withdraw from situations and people that do not contribute to my being centred.

I have to rediscover myself and remind myself that I am who I am.  Mistakes do not define me, they refine me.  I take time to be thankful that I am directed towards areas that still need work.  Sometimes the experience opens old wounds, I thought healed.  It require me to readdress issues.  Sometimes I need to remind myself I am equal to that task and to take myself in hand and get out of victim mode.

Victim mode is not something I will ever surrender to.  My whole childhood was proof that I was never intended to be a victim.  I am a survivor.  I don’t HOPE that I am.  I KNOW that I am.  I will never give in to people who attempt to hurt me, or take from me, or destroy me.  THEY don’t get a life less lived because of their lack of compassion or kindness.  They get my sympathy and prayers but I always get the best of me, focused and believing, in my abilities, my strengths . . . my worth.

That is not to suggest I am Super Woman because I am not.  I am as fragile as the next person, maybe more so.  I am also as strong as anyone … because we are all … just … human beings.

So I am in reminder phase.  I need time to rediscover myself and remind myself who I am and who I am not.  I know I need to heal.  I know I will heal.

I will take time away from technology and people and go into the wilderness with a man whom I would go anywhere with.  He has traveled closer to my soul than anyone else I have ever known.  He sees me.  He loves me.  He knows where to find me when I am lost to myself.  In nature, where all life is loved and honoured, I will take my place beside the mighty trees, the tender shoots of new life, the gentle streams and the mighty ocean waves.  I will hear the messages of love and peace.  I will refocus my perspective on what is important for me.  I will make that journey or rediscovery, address the issues I need to heal, and I will return prepared to soldier on.

I will end up being thankful for those who dropped the bombs.

I will appreciate me.

I will appreciate my life.

I will breathe in.

And out.