It’s February, Do You Know Where Your Elf Is?

shelf elf

Talk about a slippery slope.

Lies tend to snowball all over themselves. I mean ok, who could have looked ahead and known that one day we would have malls and a whole lot of explaining to do. Who could have known we would be so mobile and have the ability to attend several malls in one Christmas season and that even kids with hired math tutors could add up that one “Santa” standing in front of the mall entrance, plus another Santa IN the mall , and yet another Santa in the big department store, equals too many Santa’s and a big BS on the parental story meter.

We covered that with “Santa’s” special helper fake Santa’s. Then we came up with reindeer, specifically named and identifiable thanks to Christmas Cartoon Specials. Then we added in Mrs. Claus and the elves. Clearly we were the ones who needed a tutor for “Quitting while you are ahead.” We were pretty much in the clear with the elves, there are millions of them, they all look pretty much the same blah blah … but then some doofus came up with “the shelf elf.”

Our own individual, hangs out at your place for weeks each year, you name him, elf.

Santa and the reindeer and the elves pretty much get packed away after Christmas and everyone is safe for a year. If it is that time of life to let the kid in on the idea that “there is no Santa” then you have a whole year to destroy them, find the time to gently tell them, let grandma break it to them, distract them with a bribe. If not there yet, carry on as normal.

No-one ever expects to run into Santa over summer vacation.

However the shelf elf has caused so many problems I am not sure why someone has not been arrested, or there is not a syndrome listed in the current Psychiatry manuals and at least 8 different drugs on the market to counter its effects.

The Elf on the Shelf® is a special scout elf sent from the North Pole to help Santa Claus manage his naughty and nice lists. When a family adopts a scout elf and gives it a name, the scout elf receives its Christmas magic and can fly to the North Pole each night to tell Santa Claus about all of the day’s adventures. Each morning, the scout elf returns to its family and perches in a different place to watch the fun. Children love to wake up and race around the house looking for their scout elf each morning.

 There are two simple rules that every child knows when it comes to having a scout elf. First, a scout elf cannot be touched; Christmas magic is very fragile and if a scout elf is touched it may lose that magic and be unable to fly back to the North Pole. Second, a scout elf cannot speak or move while anyone in the house is awake! A scout elf’s job is to watch and listen.

 Elves typically appear in their families’ homes at the beginning of the holiday season (around Thanksgiving in the U.S.). On Christmas Eve, the elves return to the North Pole with Santa Claus–until next year!


Hey don’t look at me like I am some kind of idiot, I am not the one who said we were no longer allowed to spank our children, thus opening the door way for the idiotic disciplinary approach to children hepped up on sugar, privilege, and sense of entitlement. Saying quietly, “Do you think you want some time in your room to consider how you are acting?” to a child hanging from the shower curtain about to drop the plugged in curling iron in on Grandma’s bath . . . Is not terribly effective.

Recently my grandson “found” the shelf elf stuffed in the back of a drawer. He screamed.

My daughter, quickly “reassured” him that the elf had lost his power because the boys touched him too much and so Santa left him and they will have to adopt a new one next year. I think there is a picture of a serial killer locked in jail in the “Dangers of Placing Unfair Blame on Your Child” chapter of the new “Use Your Grown-Up Words,” parenting manual.

My grandson, and all his brothers sobbed hysterically and blamed each other, and their mother, and their father, their other grandparents, AND some of the neighbours. It seems everyone had “touched” the shelf elf contrary to the clear instructions. I think Australians understand that better than Canadians because they teach their kids not to handle the green tree frogs too much because it could kill them. American kids handle their wildlife . . . and elves …. apparantly. . .

Then they had to have a funeral for the elf because an elf without magic is … useless … I guess.

I think someone sang “It’s a Small World After All,” at the funeral. The boys all cried.

I think they also have to report themselves and get registered on some kind of public list of people who should not be trusted with Elves. I am not sure that they are even going to be allowed to buy a new one. I think you only get one.

She didn’t actually put the ELF in the box, she will hide it somewhere better and use it for next year. I would think and Elf by any other name is still the same Elf but that is what she did. I told her to put a Barbie in the box. People don’t really care how much she gets touched. She just left it empty. It was a closed shoe box funeral.

I hope to heck they never dig up the shelf elf and find the shoe box empty because then my daughter is going to have to make up a whole story about zombie elves.

This is not going to end well.

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