This has been a really difficult past few weeks. I find sometimes life just grabs hold of you and throws you off the cliff and things you thought you knew, you didn’t, and nothing makes sense anymore.
Of course, the go-to reaction is to run home crying to your mommy and complain that the world is unfair and ask to have your boo boo kissed better.
But I am not a child.
I know how to handle these things. Not that knowing always means I do … handle them … but I know better than to put much energy into feeling sorry for myself or what I think other people did or didn’t do, should or could have done. The situation happened. All that is left in my control is my reaction and how I am going to let it impact my life.
I try not to sprinkle others with my nuclear fallout.
Which is usually crying, analyzing, creating scenarios in my head where I write and rewrite what happened and what I would love to say or do but never really would.
Somewhere in the midst of all the hurt and disappointment and anger, I have to find ME. And I admit there are times I lose sight of that. Without ME I am unanchored and without purpose. I have to remember who I am and that what anyone else does, whatever else happens … is irrelevant to the absolute promise I made with myself, God, and life … to. be. me.
Once I have dissipated the volcanic eruption, I talk. Usually with my hubby. He seems to always know the right combination of sympathy, information and kicking me in the butt.
Then I sit down and am ready for the learning. I read, I meditate, I may cry a bit more, I question, I surround myself with people, things and situations that are healing. I am gentle with myself. I share my discoveries with those in my inner circle and I keep moving forward.
Sometimes the moving forward is sans many things and people. I am learning to be ok with that. I cannot choose for other people even though I may want, with all my heart, for me to be the biggest helping on their plate. Life is a buffet and people get to choose. They get to NOT choose me.
I am learning not to take it so personally.
I am learning to look at those who are still here, those who make the effort to connect, to know me … and to be thankful. I am learning to be open for what will come to replace what is gone. It is only in our unwillingness to flow with life that we end up stuck, alone and without purpose. Learning that I don’t always have to know everything that is going to happen, to have planned the entire event, put up decorations, and colour coordinated the refreshments is a huge relief. Sometimes I feel like a kid standing at the front door to the new school, excited about all the possibilities and scared at the same time. But then I remind myself, I only have to walk through the door and be there. I only have to be willing and open.
Life tends to exist for those who accept its invitation.