Saying Goodbye to the Grand Child Who Hates Me.

one of the hardest things

There are grandchildren that I will never know because their parent is denied any access, not by the courts, but by the parent/step parent raising them.

These children have been taught to hate.  They have been filled with lies that are supported not only by their one birth parent, but by the people around them.  I am at a loss because I don’t think I have ever associated with anyone who would have allowed me to speak such horrible things in front of an adult let alone a child.  My friends and family would have called me on such behaviour.  They would have told me that a child needs both parents.  They would have urged me towards compassion.
They would have been ashamed that I held on to hate and actively sought to deliver it with every opportunity, even years past the hurtful event of a marriage done.  They never would have plotted with me on how to make things worse for someone.  They never would have added to and perpetuated the lies.

While these people have their pictures taken with the children who are also part of our family but sadly missing at every family get together, they pat each other on the back about their “win.”   I wonder how they sleep at night.  I wonder how they sit in their churches and consider themselves so much better than everyone else.  I wonder what God they worship.  I wonder how any mother can take part in separating a parent and child.  Protecting a child when required is a far different business from destroying a relationship completely.

There are no clear sides in anything where one side is the complete victim and the other the complete evil and yet these people have bought souls paid for with the stories of how they are perfect and have done no wrong and the other parent did no right.  Even when the stories are true, and a parent did make mistakes . . . they are old stories.   Are any of us the people that we were 15 – 20 years ago?  Often the stories are only known because the offending parent sought help and corrected their problem.  Hidden are the problems of the custodial parent, who never sought help and still struggles with their own demons.

Telling tales of wayward youth pales when you yourself, long since an adult, engage in activities so much more reprehensible than those you accuse another of.  They pale when one considers you, at this point, have no excuse of youth and not knowing better.

While we struggled to be kind, and to not speak in front of the children, to share, to move forward, these people waged a war of hate.  And I do not see how this ever has an outcome that benefits the child.  The child is an adult now.  In order to love one parent they have made it necessary to hate the other.  They have made it clear that they will abandon them if they choose the other parent and some of them have already done that.

Even with all the time they have had a child, they have not learned to love them in the way they deserve.  Every human being deserves to be loved for who they really are and for what is important to them.  Human beings were not meant to be clones of their parents, beaten in cruel shapes by emotional and physical pain.  These children are just tools in their hands for them to wield against someone they hate more than they will ever love anything.

This is  copy of the letter I sent my grand daughter as she graduates school.  Her step mother has taught her to hear “I love you” as “I hate you.”  She is angry about this letter because she says I am trying to make her feel bad for the way she has treated her mother.  I wrote it with love and well wishes, without a single thought of making her feel bad.  I was hoping to move forward.  I was hoping for possibilities that she would feel our love and one day find her way to the truth.

Dear _______;

You will be graduating this year.  What an achievement.  Your whole life is in front of you.  Congratulations.

We all love you and miss you very much.  You chose to not have any of us in your life, as hurtful as that was/is, we never stopped loving you and never will.

I hope that you have opportunities to travel and that you see the world, or at least part of it so that you will understand that each of our lives is only a small part of a much bigger whole.  There are many other ways of doing things, of understanding and of connecting.  Travel teaches you understanding and tolerance of others.  It also teaches you appreciation for what you have.  It teaches you who you are and who you are not.

I hope you learn that mistakes just mean you are in the game and that you are trying.    Mistakes teach us so much about life.  They also teach us who we are and are often incredible opportunities for us to dig deeper within ourselves for the best.  Those most admired in this world, that have gone on to do incredible things, are usually those who made the biggest mistakes.  Instead of being defeated by them, their characters are defined.

I hope you learn that being popular, being “liked,” has nothing to do with anything.  The world is full of people who have thousands of “likes” on their facebook pages and not a single meaningful relationship.  We see evidence of this all around us with the suicides of “stars” who seem to have everything in life we are told is worth pursuing.  Popularity and money does not buy happiness.  It does not mean success and it does not give people integrity.   Integrity is what you do and who you are when no-one is looking, and there is nothing to be gained.

I hope you learn love and compassion for everyone.  That you never hurt others with the words you use or the actions you take.  That you realize everyone is just trying to do the best they can with what they have.  In the end, there can never be enough love, light and forgiveness.  The people who get that are the ones who are going to change this world. 

I have always believed you to be a very special young woman with incredible potential.  That is your heart, your essence.  You can’t be anyone else but you.  Honour your own heart.  Be your own person.

Best wishes, much love, and good luck.
Love Grammie

The truth is in independent accounts and documents.  It is in dates that are registered that prove the lies.  It is in police and medical records.  But when the control of the hateful parent is so strong that even in the face of evidence to the contrary, they believe the lies . . . what hope is there?

Children are not born with hate.  They are taught.

And I look at all of those who stand around snapping Christmas photos with someone else’s child, high fiving each other and laughing at the gut wrenching pain they have caused another human being and I am grateful that there is nothing in me that can understand such ugly cruelty.  I am grateful that none of those people have been or ever will be people I care to know or even associate with.

You cannot compel someone to feel love when they have been taught to hate.  I will continue to love my grandchildren because that is who I am.  But, I also recognize that I must let go of the idea that they can be rescued.  I am watching them now make choices to act and behave in the same patterns of ugliness they have been taught.  I realize I do not want to know them as they are.   I do not like the people they have become.

Thank heavens, as Stephen Covey so eloquently put it, that Heavenly Father, in his infinite wisdom did not command us to like one another, only to love.

There is a truth here and the truth will hurt more, when it is discovered, than they can imagine.  The truth is not that their estranged biological family did not want them, did not love them, did terrible things.  The truth is that we loved them, we always have, and that the child pushed us away and said and did cruel things.  They were used and what they are doing is worse than anything their parent stands accused of.  The truth is they traded that love for lies and they trusted someone  who made it their goal to teach them that truth and love is ugly.

I know perhaps some will ask why I would put this out there publicly and I would only say one thing.  If this is all okay, if what they are doing is right and acceptable and the people around them support their poisoning minds and destroying a child’s relationship with their family, then they should have no problem standing publicly behind their actions and owning them.  I am hoping that perhaps just one person will find the courage to stand up, not only in our situation, but in others and finally say, “this is wrong.”  I am hoping one person might realize that by being silent they are condoning and contributing to what has become a nightmare of child abuse perpetrated on our children by people who are clearly the last people who should be raising children.  I am hoping just one of them might have compassion for the loss the other family feels when a child is kept from them simply at the whim of a cruel heart. I am hoping for change.  It may be too late for us, but if my pain can help one other family, it will be worth it

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