For some reason we had the television on the other night when we were eating dinner. I blame the early onset of Alzheimer’s and we forgot it had even been turned on three weeks ago. Also, when there are no kids home to boss around, you can do whatever you want to. You can do that because it is your house. AND, you are the boss. So we were watching television and eating. Thank God all my children have blocked me on the internet and cannot read this. A commercial came on about a nifty new machine that could turn your vegetables into pasta!
I am not kidding.
And the commercial goes on to show how easy it is and how a zucchini put in one end comes out the other end looking just like regular pasta except it is green, has NO gluten, AND it is much healthier for you.
I had to make my husband get off his chair – he was standing on it and screaming, he was that excited . . . and the children are no longer at home and sometimes we get carried away with the freedom of it all.
Then the commercial goes on to explain that you can take those pasta-look-alike vegetables and put … wait for it … PASTA SAUCE on them and wow … you will not believe that they taste kinda like pasta except they are not pale pasty white, they have no gluten, and they are much healthier for you.
Then they back that up by saying “recent research has proven that vegetables are healthy for you, much more healthy than all that pasta we eat.” I had to pull my husband back from the TV screen where his nose was pressed so hard up against it that I was afraid he would pass out from not being able to breathe.
I have no idea why that thought suddenly concerned me or why I felt the need to intervene with nature.
JUST PAY THEM some money for the machine, more money for tax, and even more money to ship it, and they will send you the fantastic magical pasta machine that changes ordinary boring vegetables into pretend pasta that everyone, except the announcer, cannot tell the difference between the two. Send more money and they will send you watered down pasta sauce at 3 times the price of the less watered down pasta sauce you can pick up in your local supermarket. Please disregard that the supermarket jars are prettier and the ingredients are government regulated and probably even have some actual vegetables which can counteract all the chemicals in the pasta sauce they are trying to sell you. In fairness, not once did they claim that the pasta sauce was healthy or nutritious. They never declared it to be chemical free. The never declared it to have passed any nuclear or bubonic plague testing.
Oh and you can’t eat pretty. Nutritious, healthy food must, by mother nature law, be sensibly plain and wholesome looking. Sexy and pretty requires drugs and alcohol, diet pills and equipment that are sold on their own specialty channel later on at night. Then you have to find an even later channel that sells the things to dress up pretty and sexy and play with it. I am telling you, machines that make your vegetables look like pasta is the gate way drug here to maxing out your credit card and living a life of complete misery . . . except without gluten of course.
The commercial ended. We resumed our places at the table. I reached over and shredded my hubby’s vegetables, in a flurry of fork and knife action, went over to the cupboard, got out a jar of spaghetti sauce and dumped it over his plate.
My husband sat there with his mouth open and asked me, “what the heck?”
“They used to call me “Edwina Forkhands” in school. I can shred anything with a fork. All you ever had to do was ask if you needed your food disguised in other shapes. I also do meat origami if you are interested. Think of the money I just saved you. Eat your fake pasta. It is getting cold.”
That was the last night we ever watched TV during dinner time again. We thought we just made up all the stuff we told the kids about mind control and how bad television is for you. Turns out it was all completely true and we are lucky to still be alive.
You are such lucky people that I am a survivor and do not give up easily. I know the stuff I report saves lives.