The Truth About Yoga

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So I had my little leotard and my mat and I headed out for my Yoga class – imagining myself standing amongst the gang at the next staff meeting and subtly slipping into some divine twisted body shape and everyone “oohing” and “ahhing.” You know, like those women who took 3 ballet classes and are forever standing with their feet in that stupid position so all the women whisper and nudge one another knowingly … “trained as a classical ballerina …..” nod nod…. (except it loses a little bit in the translation when the woman weighs 300 lbs, has on house slippers, black leggings and a baby-doll’)

Still I dream about striking that pose and then I would blush and say, “oh sorry, didn’t realize, you know …hahaha … when you are this supple it just happened sometimes ….” blush blush . It is important to blush when you are making other women jealous . . . it might save your life.

But those classes are damn hard. First of all they play this music that is supposed to soothe you. Well it worked. I was so soothed I was curled up like a little baby on my mat sucking my thumb, sound asleep when the bitch of an instructor woke me and told me my snoring was disturbing the peace and calm of the class. She is a real cow when it comes to noise in class. She said, “We have an iron-clad “no-talking” rule.” And she looked at me like she just knew I was the only one she would have to reprimand. All the way through she kept going “shhhh” to me and doing that little thing with her two fingers closing together out in the air in front of her. I tried to explain , “look lady I am not talking!!”

Don’t know how she couldn’t tell the difference between “talking” and “screaming.” Those poses hurt.

Anyway this is what I learned about the poses:

The Mountain Pose – this is not the wonderful, calm you, in a flannel shirt and jeans, leaning back against a rock, beer in hand drinking. Think more like you are pinned against the rocks, the bear has found you, it has babies, they are to your right, she is to your left, the wind rushes by you on its way to her and then she stands up on her hind legs …..

Extended Triangle Pose – Think incongruent. Think of being bent into a triangle and then someone backing up the tow truck, attaching that ginormous hook to your pants and hoisting – this gives you the nice extended “line” the teacher is looking for.

Half Moon Pose – evidently this is NOT where your leotard gets stuck in your ass and half your bum cheek is hanging out. If that was all there was to it, I nailed it when I rolled out my mat before the class even began.

Extended Lateral Pose – after the triangle pose when you fall flat on your ass gasping and the tow truck backs up for another go.

Warrior Pose – This has nothing to do with WWF or any opportunity to take on the other yogarians or your teacher. Fighting is not permitted even when they laugh out loud at your efforts, look better than you, turn out to be that bitch you went to Junior High with, stole your parking space when you parked this morning, or appear to have a twinkie hidden in their gym bag. There is no top rope that you get to leap off of and body slam the bitch next to you that glows while you are sweating like a pig.

Downward and Upward Facing Dog Pose – DO NOT drink a lot of water prior to class because these poses can be very dangerous … especially if someone is wearing red OR there is an actual fire hydrant somewhere in the classroom. Also do not practice these at home in front of the dog because who knew dogs can laugh too … and the damn cat? Smirks ….

Four-Limbed Staff Pose – Forget it – trick photography – all photoshopped to make it look like one person is bent like that. It is actually 4 people composed to trick you … pfft … try to pull a photoshop on me … pfft …

Cat-Cow – that’s just wrong and probably illegal.

Bridge Pose – “No, no it needs to be an arched bridge.” Just do what I did and tell them you just are not feeling it . I wowed them instead with my imitation of a plank of wood just thrown over a nice little flat bridge over a teeny creek … ohhh and point your toes .. nice line …

Revolved Abdominal Bridge – ummm ya …. your abdomen turns inside out and then you throw-up.

Supine Big Toe Pose – evidently this does not mean you have your big toes firmly planted up someone else’s leotard. If that happens, forget trying to apologize. I scoured the entire city, It may be the only event that Hallmark does not have a card for.

Crocodile – aptly named because while attempting to do this one, you scream exactly like the sound of someone disappearing for the last time into the water once the croc has them in a death roll.

Staff Pose – I don’t think it is supposed to be like this, but after the first week my instructor carried a huge staff and smacked it across my butt … often …. and she was smiling at the time. I probably could have handled that, I had already decided she was a bitch but when the rest of the class started cheering .. well I think this might be what I everyone is talking about lately. I think they call it bullying.

Bound Angle Pose – this is not a pre cursor for bondage and no-one wears leather. It is just more boring bend and stretch. The only BDSM element in this one was the staff my instructor used on me as aforementioned.

Plank – NO, NO this is not as in “walk the…” This is like GI Jane commando pushups – “give me 10 more scumbag” … and then you throw-up.

Thunder Bolt Pose – as in cattle proddish type of pain ….

Standing Forward Bend – A bent head is not good enough. You must be able to lay your chest on the floor while keeping your legs straight … and do it all without screaming!

Corpse Pose – OMG – I so ACED this one!! And BTW – this is exactly the only pose I was able to “casually reproduce,” in real life. It was perfect at work when the boss came up behind me with “Aria, what are you doing on the floor with your eyes closed again at this time of the day?”

“YOGA!!! ”

Anyway how come everyone there weighs like 60 lbs sopping wet, has no boobs, and eats granola? I mean try to pull out your turkey drumstick at lunchtime around these people and they all gasp and talk amongst themselves and then someone reports you to the SPCA for cruelty to animals … like they should talk. Technically speaking I am an animal. I have feelings too …. once I get some feeling in my legs again . . .

I tried to leave and they are all shouting “NASTY” at me. Well that was it. I was all over those pink leotarded, nuts and berry retardos, biting and hair pulling. I was going to show them a whole new meaning for standing foward bending right into their cat cowed corpse of planked bridge….

The teacher switched into kung fu mode and touched that one place on your body all those martial arts movies show and the smallest guy at the bar swears he knows about . . . She touched mine and I was on the floor gasping.

She said I completely misunderstood what they were saying. That they really loved me.

Namaste .. my ass ….

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