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“She put a hand against her chest. “We’re born with everything in here — everything we need to be happy and whole. But as soon as life starts frightening us, we give away pieces of ourselves to make the danger go away. It’s an insidious trade: you want life to stop scaring you, so you give it parts of yourself. You give away your pride, your honesty, your dignity, or your courage…When all you feel is fear, you don’t need dignity. So you don’t mind giving that away — at the moment. But you regret it later, oh boy do you ever, because we need all those pieces to be complete.”  Johnathan Carroll

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“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”  Elie Wiesel

One Bad Apple and I May Die

one bad apple

I think I ate a bug  . . and I might die.

I was home alone, calmly eating an apple.  I am allowed to do things like that alone … at home .. . unattended …. on my own.   And I bit into the apple and took a big bite.  Then I chewed and chewed and swallowed and then the phone rang or something – I can’t remember all the exact details because I am suffering with PTSD from the whole thing and my therapist said that I have probably blocked some of it to prevent myself from being triggered and losing it all over innocent people’s heads.

When I got back to my work and the half eaten apple lying on the desk, I almost died.  I had bitten through to the core and what was clearly a grotesque, rotten, slimy mess, black and orange and grossly grotesque, that had been created by some kind of bug/worm … thing.  (I had to type and retype “thing” 473 times just now because my hands are shaking so bad from the memory) Continue reading

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“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.”  Alice Walker

Our “Not All Women Have Vaginas,” World.

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We have truly slipped over the edge and the fact people are sitting there, conducting their business with their serious faces on, is damn scary.   Remember when you were a kid and something happened and you started to laugh hysterically at how absurd it was and then you realized that no-one else was laughing?  You stop and then try to taper off the laughter looking into the faces of everyone else who is not only NOT laughing, they are looking at you like you are crazy?  Remember that?

That was my reaction to all of this.

We have jumped from individuals who are unwilling to take personal responsibility for their own lives by deflecting and focusing on what is wrong with everyone else and what they should be doing, to entire groups doing it to one another, to now world wide legislation.  People we are talking about controlling our speech and our very thoughts here.  This may seem helpful or some awesome movement to some idiot somewhere but the greater long term cost is going to be immeasurably damaging.   Continue reading

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‘Peace can only exist in the present moment. It is ridiculous to say “Wait until I finish this, then I will be free to live in peace. What is “this”? A diploma, a job, a house, the payment of a debt? If you think that way, peace will never come. There is always another “this” that will follow the present one. If you are not living in peace at this moment, you will never be able to. If you truly want to be at peace, you must be at peace right now. Otherwise, there is only “the hope of peace some day.”   Thich Nhat Hanh