Gather around Chick and Stud-lets, have I got a Christmas load for you! And just in time for the big day. Is it just me or have we all spent far too may days to count, wandering the grounds of those gated homes, avoiding the guard dogs and the worrisome big guy with the gun, our little noses pressed up against the window, staring in at a lifestyle that we can only dream of? Isn’t it always worse at Christmas time?
I bet you have often thought, in despair, I can never ever have a Christmas like that, why the hell couldn’t mommy and daddy have just waited until after the rich people had sex so that I had a chance to be born to a much better life. And how many of us never bought mommy or daddy another Christmas gift, and then had to go to lots of therapy with meds that just distracted you with a bunch of imaginary friends, one of them a clown who kept trying to get you to do bad things.
Put the pill bottle down. I can make your dream Christmas come true. Look what I have found and am willing to share with you.
I picked such a pricey, treasured art piece to give as a gift, even though it is so expensive, a full 9.23 more than what I would ever dream of spending on a Christmas gift, because I had to. It is the first time that one gift will please so many people of different ages and cultures. The Aussies always say “Santar” as if there is an “r” on the end anyway, so they will completely relate. For the Canadians, well some of them may actually be Centaurs or Santa Clauses, or both, and have limited themselves to portraying traditional roles. Canadians are a master race when it comes to self imposed limits. Hopefully this might suggest a career path they had not previously considered. I could be responsible for inspiring a whole generation to seek gainful employment and maybe even get a date with Justin Trudeau.
I was also pleased with my decorating choices this year. I like things that are really different and so was over the moon to find this lovely little ornament for my tree. These are quite a bit less messy than trying to do it with the real thing and if you know anything about light effects you can fool everyone into thinking these are real fish heads and you are one committed Christmas decorator. To be honest, I bought a dozen of these puppies and they really catch the lights and make the tree sparkle. And does anything say Christmas more than a chopped off fish head can? My hubby didn’t get it at first and I had to unroll my eyes before I could answer him … “Hello, fishes and loaves, Jesus, Christians, Fisher of Men??” Fish heads people are where it is at. Lose the dove with the olive branch and let’s “fish head” the earth with the true meaning of the season.
For a stocking stuffer, I am going with the “Yodeling Pickle.” Who doesn’t love pickles? And everyone I know is dying to learn to yodel. Everytime we get together as a family we gather around the accordion and didgeridoo and yodel our way through the “Hallelujah Chorus.” This is going to just be the absolute best Christmas ever. I am not wasting this on a once a tree hanger, I am having them all made into key chains so people can carry their pickle in their pocket. I want to teach the world to yodel and fumbling with their pickle throughout the year will keep reminding them to practice Silent Night so that next year everyone around the world can take a moment at midnight to join in one big yodelrama for Jesus.
And finally, I am so sick of those stupid cracker things and the lame gifts and crap tissue hats that everyone has to wear. I am providing people with a choice of hat or head gear that is much more relevant to the Christmas dinner. It pays homage to the dead carcass in front of us while at the same time screaming “party time.” Can’t wait for the family pics.
Until next time this Myrrhadee saying “toodles” and keep on doing stuff.