This is supposed to be the point in my life where I look at the long winding road that has lead me here and consider the successes, the failures, and consider my regrets.
Is it rude to say I don’t have any?
It isn’t that I think I am perfect because I am so far from that I laugh to think I ever allowed myself to live trying to achieve that, and then cried when I fell short. It isn’t that I cannot see or feel the pain, the heartache, the darkness, the problems all around me. I am not living with some rose coloured glasses on pretending the world is all beer and skittles. I recognize that every detail of my life’s journey is shaded many colours both dark and light and I am grateful for the ability I gained to use it all to grow and learn.
I don’t even miss people or places. I love that some people and places touched me on such a level that I only have to close my eyes and I am there again. I can feel them to the point that I give away my present moments to their honour. What a gift to have had those types of experiences. Even the painful ones, that are so sharp they can make me bleed, remind me that I will not repeat the actions that placed me there. They are jewels of a different kind. But I don’t wish that they were here or that I could go back because you can’t go back to anything. Even if some miracle could transport you, how would you recognize anything? You are not that person any more.
I see those who tried to own and contain me. I see those who tried to stop and destroy me, and even those who tried to throw me away and I know that I am better than that, better than anything any of them tried to do to me. I am better because I did not respond in kind and neither was I turned with their lies. I held myself open to the light.
I believed in love even when there was no evidence of it in my life.
I see how all roads led me inward and that within myself I discovered a place where I was comfortable. I found room to let some people in and strong walls to keep others out. I was keeper of my own castle and I held the key to the entire universe. All love, all light, all wisdom, all truth …. here for me, to discover as I was ready.
There is still so much that waits on my heart, my understanding. I am grateful for its patience.
I am struck with such joy at how beautiful and peaceful my own heart is, and that more and more I am less impacted by the waves of discontent and dissonance that fill the oceans of our world. Life flows through this inner world and I am fed and nourished. I lift my hand to the wind and feel its coolness take my worries from me and carry them to where they can no longer harm or burden me. I feel the rain on my face and my whole soul feels renewed. This is the one haven, the one place, that no-one can ever take from me. It is mine alone.
This life is temporary and every moment has been a gift, an invitation to experience the energy of living matter in a physical way. As time winds down there is a bitter sweetness to the journey, for now we move through each day not only experiencing what is, but cognizant that soon we must leave. We all like to think that our stories matter and that we are part of other peoples special moments that they can pull from memory to the present, but there are no promises. Our stories will be the most compelling ones we shall ever tell ourselves, but I wonder if we even know how much they truly mean to our hearts . . . our light . . . our journey home.
I remember how many times I learned to do something new and the joy of applying that to whatever was being created or done. It was like taking the training wheels off of your life and finally racing the wind on a bike that could go just as far as your legs could continue to move the pedals. There did not have to be limits, and even though there were always limits, for just that briefest of moments, you could feel what it would be like if there weren’t. Choosing to stop, or to turn the bike back towards home also had a sense of power behind it because for the first time, you were the one setting those limits. Life was so full of choices. Freedom on one hand to give in to the wind and responsibility on the other to take care of yourself. It was all going to be up to me.
I was up to the challenge.
I lived my life. I took full responsibility for it all. I learned I was stronger and more powerful than I ever thought. And, I know that I will finish with the same balance. I can do this. I am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity to just be here and to be counted. Thank you for it all.