“When the truth is spoken it is like a light that exposes everything, not only about the situation, but about the people who are present. For some, that is so painful an introspection, that they can only respond by shutting off the light. They destroy the speaker and deflect their pain as if it were caused by some error in the messenger, instead of a flaw within themselves. They destroy the only thing that can be burned without further injury to themselves. They destroy the messenger because the truth cannot be destroyed. It can only remain unseen and unspoken . . . and worst of all . . . unused.” Aria E. Appleford

Response to a Friend. Yes, I Have Changed.

tumblr_nn333dtclu1qdu92zo1_1280

“You have changed!”

People say that to me with an accusatory tone. I am not sure how they expect me to respond.

If I have not changed in a year, in 10 years, I would be sadly disappointed in myself. I work hard on making sure I have changed. I spend time with myself. I put effort into learning. I ask questions. I research. I listen. I pay attention. The call is always to deepen my understanding, to push beyond the comfortable, to not be satisfied with status quo.

I find out over and over again that my understanding was limited, superficial, and even completely wrong. That inspires me to dig. I cannot continue to say and do the things I used to say and do when I know that they no longer serve me because I have found so much more. It will mean that I may not be on the same page with people that I once was.

Of course I have changed. Continue reading

Going Home

home

This year I returned to Canada. I had been going back once, twice a year, for awhile but once my mother in law became ill, and our daughter here was having problems, we found ourselves landlocked for almost 3 years.

Moving to a new country set off an emotional conflict within. Where is home? I am living here in Australia but am not connected to it or people in the way I was once connected to Canada. Yet, I am no longer in Canada and people move on without me and I have been making my own journey that has led me far from what was once so familiar.

I felt guilt that returning to Canada leaves me with more and more apprehension while returning to Australia feels more and more like a home coming. I felt that on the very first journey here. It was like my soul had come home to a place where it belonged. I had never truly felt “at home” anywhere, but one visit to Australia changed that. It was the feeling, a generalized, non specific feeling not attached to anything, or even logic.  It just occupied my heart and nurtured it in a way I had never known before.  I felt my soul letting out a long and deep sigh.  I settled in, and I never wanted to leave. Continue reading