Happier, Healthier and More Fun

Lashes 1

I saw this “article” about people with long eyelashes being healthier, happier and having more fun.

PS –  they are selling “eyelash syrum” to make your eyelashes longer.

Is anyone really that gullible?

Yes, they scientifically tested people and found the only thing that made people healthier, happier, and “funner” – was the length of their eyelashes. I guess in a world hell-bent on “making” oneself more beautiful by padding their breasts and butts …. people ARE going to buy it.

It is actually an awesome idea. Think about it.

You go in for depression and the doctor prescribes you a set of false eyelashes because, according to this premise, you can even take an unhealthy, unhappy, “unfun” person and just by making their eyelashes longer -voila! – magic happens. They instantly become the life of the party.  In fact, they ARE the party.  I can see the psychiatric hospitals with all the patients wandering the halls with their false eyelashes on.

Cancer patients will now be getting chemo AND a double set of false eyelashes. Make them sparkly eyelashes and they might just take away the sting of losing all their hair.  It may not cure them of anything but they will be happier about it and dying will be heaps more fun.

I am trying to imagine this great scientific discovery. Man was wandering the rainforest looking for more weight loss berries and discovered instead a cosmetic pack, dropped by the last group of  people who could afford the $23,000.00, caravan-with-a-Shaman-in-the-rainforest-o-ramma.  Only rich people can buy their way into enlightenment.  They caravan in the rain forest, do the whole ayahuasca theme park ride, and move to the front of the line for Pinteresting relevant posters.  Often they do not have time to tidy up the rainforest in their hurry to post on Facebook that they are enlightened and true shepherds of the earth (they have a certificate signed by “a Shaman” proving it) so they leave all kinds of garbage and personal belongings.   Those “lost tribes” are just family members forgotten about and left to wander the rainforest.  Enlightened people declutter their lives (read the lists posted on Social Media it is #3 for signs that you are enlightened) and sometimes “extra baggage” is called “Mindy” or “Joe” and may have known the enlightened one as “mommy” or even “my husband.”

So the scientists find the discarded cosmetic bag and out falls a pair of long fake eyelashes.  That night in his Winnebago, he feels secure that no-one is watching and he puts on some women’s underwear, lipstick, and the lashes.  BINGO!!  He is having a blast.  He tries it the next night, same thing.  Then he puts them on one of the great apes hanging round and the Ape becomes his best friend and they have the best of times.  When they share the eyelashes, one each, the fun is not as good . . . and so the scientific process of qualifying the data begins.  No-one is losing weight, but no-one cares because they are all having so much fun.  Once he tried them on his mother-in-law and she was even fun, he knew it was real. Or maybe I am being ridiculous and of course there were not any lashes in the rain forest. But, there were spiders, right? Giant spiders that he taped to his eyelids, simulating eyelashes with all those legs wiggling in the breeze. The mother-in-law might not have been quite as willing but he persevered … because he is a scientist and that is what scientists do.

Or maybe I am being ridiculous and of course there were not any lashes in the rain forest. But, there were spiders, right? Giant spiders that he taped to his eyelids, simulating eyelashes with all those legs wiggling in the breeze. The mother-in-law might not have been quite as willing tp hel[ with his scientificness, but he persevered … because he is a scientist and that is what scientists do.

Of course, there will be problems.  People will use long lashes to enhance their performance in competitions in order to win.  All “Miss Congenialities” will be suspect and have to be tested to make sure they did not cheat by adding fake length to their lashes.

But, think of the practical application. The kid on summer vacation that is moaning by now that he is bored and has nothing to do . . . slap a couple of false eyelashes on him, stick him out in the middle of the yard and again – instant party.

I am going to make my hubby wear them while he is out in the yard and the neighbours are working in theirs. I am hoping they may like us better. If that fails, I will try tying a pork chop around his neck. I am thinking if we start with the dogs, we can work our way up.

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