Raising Children, It’s Not About You.

138b9467c0f7c5482cca3b491498bd9a

Love this article:  This is How you Know You Raised A Good Kid.

It is interesting watching your children grow as adults.  I am amazed how little the details matter – like what kind of car they drive, what their partner looks like, or what they do for a living.  The things that give me the most pride is when i see them making choices that show they know how to love and to forgive.  When they are mistreated and they do not retaliate with cruelty, when they pu aside their needs and wants for the greater good of their own children . . . even if no-one else will ever know the sacrifice they made,…

Sadly, too often, children become weapons for one parent to use against the other.  The need to be right, to get revenge, to hurt someone like you feel you have been hurt, takes over and we can waste a life time teaching our children to hate and carry out our endless acts of revenge against their other parent.  Think about that.  Think about the legacy that leaves for the world and what kind of people those children are going to be.  Would you want your child to end up with one of them as a partner?

Please pay attention to the children who are being raised in broken homes and advocate for them.  Tell your child it is not acceptable for them to trash your grandchild’s parent in front of the child.  Tell them that a child needs to know they are loved by both parents.  Help your child, your friend, to grow up and do the right thing.  It strengthens and heals the children, allowing them a chance at being decent people with happy lives, and it can do the same for your child.  As wounded as they might be, hanging on to hate, and spending a lifetime championing that emotion, only cancers us all.

To the Woman Who Has Raised Another Woman’s Child.

the other mothers

It is an unenviable positions to raise another’s child. You are not blood, you will never be first, even though you might do most, if not all, of the hard work.

It takes someone very special to get it right.

Those that can step up to that challenge seem to understand that it is not a competition and the goal is for the child to grow up healthy and happy. They understand they may not be loved as a mother but they will be loved as the woman who raised them. We get caught up in the title. Does it even matter? Isn’t the important thing the love itself? When we focus on the title it is clear that what we are wanting out of the experience is praise and we are making it all about us and not the child.

Those who have alienated the child from their mother, who have taught the child to hate by feeding them lies and orchestrating drama and keeping the child from seeing their mother, are perhaps the most disgusting human beings. I say that because as women, we know the bonds of mother child and to purposefully interfere with those is not much different from what a paedophile does. You have taken a child’s innocence. You have poured your darkness into their light. You have used that child for your own personal gratification without any regard for the damage you have caused. You have done it to a child that was not your own.

I can only imagine the pain and suffering for women today who will not hear a single thing from their stolen child, except a message of hate. Those mothers will be silent, and take the abuse, and hold on to their hope that maybe one day their child will know the truth. They will do that because they are not usually the women who will put the child in the middle of the battle and make things worse. They do that because they ARE that child’s mother and THAT is what mother’s do. They sacrifice.

These women are so lacking in self esteem they cannot form a relationship with a mere child based on their own experience. Their relationship is forged by destroying another human being, because even a smidge of emotion left in that child for their mother is a threat to their insecurity.

Facebook will be full today of “shove it in your face” salutations from manipulated children gushing over the women who have destroyed their natural feelings for their own mothers. And somewhere a woman will weep while another woman and a stolen child high five one another with “wait until she sees THAT one.” That woman will not see the pain behind the child’s eyes as she says and does what she has to keep that woman happy. Those posts will then be commented on by all the people who support that woman in destroying the child. They will type in their words of encouragement and testaments to what a great mother that woman is compared to the biological mother. There will be more high fives and laughter as a mother weeps.

That is what we have become as people.

I worry about what these children will grow up like. I worry about being raised on a steady diet of hate and a campaign of unkindness. We talk about bullying, and yet there are parents instructing their kids on step by step methods. I worry about their ability to see people as human beings, and situations as having many shades, of not understanding no-one is perfect and it is never as simple as this person is all bad/wrong and this person is all good/right. I worry about the lies they have built their lives on, believing themselves to be better, and that in doing so, they have the right to then go out of their way to be cruel to someone else who is trying to say, “I love you.” I worry about them not understanding love, not understanding the kind of love that makes sacrifices.

I worry what kind of parents these kids will be. The circle will intensify. When these children are adults and dealing with broken homes and raising other children, will they resort to more violent methods? Will they be any more capable of doing the right thing?

And I worry that we all sit here, not aware, not seeing what is happening. I worry that even if we do we calm our discomfort with the mantra, “There is nothing I can do about it.”

Children are not weapons. They need to know that they are loved by all the people involved in their lives. They need to be protected from any of the grown-up legal matters that need to be sorted, and allowed to be children who are taught to love and to believe in a world that is full of possibilities. Our children need to learn skills of working with people, all people, and to negotiate social situations and relationships in ways that do not leave people broken and destroyed. They do not need to be schooled in ways to bully, to hurt, to hate.

And parents who do that, and all the people around those parents who support their efforts, are engaging in child abuse that I believe they should have to answer for.

Parental Alienation – For the Parents. Remember.

my child hates me

For all the parents fighting the war for their children, the injustices of legal systems, the gender bias of maintenance enforcement and often social workers.

Remember.

Remember that your child absorbs the emotion even when they know nothing of the facts.  They absorb and internalize the anger.  They do not have the ability to sort it into the pile labelled “not mine to deal with.”  Everything a child feels is about themselves and writes a page in the book of their life.  This book becomes the story they will read to themselves over and over again through out their life.  It reminds them that they are good or bad.  It reads out each word in the voices of the people who taught them attaching all the feelings and emotions they felt at the time until it has convinced them who they are ….and who they are not.

Continue reading

Be Kind. Guide for Step Parents to Avoid Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Be kind

Step parents are in an unenviable position.  Those who are doing an awesome job are often abused by an insecure parent who undermines them at every turn and those who are abusing a child with Parental Alienation Syndrome are destroying live, none more at risk, than the child entrusted in their care.

Adding children into a home, especially when they are not your own, is a difficult thing to do.  Well, it can be done, but achieving the goal that everyone gets out alive is a big undertake. Continue reading

The Village Speaks. Parental Alienation Syndrome

You can bully a child but you cannot bully me nor the millions of other thinking caring adults who recognize the damage you are doing to that child as abuse. Tell whatever stories to yourself that you have to in order to go to sleep at night but I will never be silenced. Keep telling your lies to the people who will listen and nod but even they are talking to everyone behind your back and condemning what you are doing. When we make choices to live our lives in reprehensible ways you have to be prepared to live with your own reflection when someone holds up the mirror. Your anger at everyone else is sadly misplaced because they are not the problem for speaking out against it, YOU are the problem for having committed these acts. I hope that people might find the grace to extend to you when your actions are condemned, that you have never afforded anyone else. Continue reading

Child Abuse – Parental Alienation Syndrome. It Is Time to Answer for it.

taught to them

“Encouraging a child to betray one of the most important members of his family be it the father or the mother produces within that child a tendency towards psychopathic behaviour. Once the alienating parent has denigrated the other parent to the child, the child due to the pressure upon him and the “power” wielded by the alienator needs to carry on the process of denigration.

Children who suffer from the PAS syndrome develop a concept that one parent is the loving parent and hence to be loved back while the other is the hated parent who has done evil or wickedness, etc., not only towards the alienating parent but towards the child. This has been consciously as well as unconsciously indoctrinated in to the child. This has also resulted in fear as well as hatred for the alienated parent. Virtually all indoctrination of a negative type is carried out by the mother who usually retains the child in residence. Occasionally it is the father or one of the relations to the child who may have taken over the role of parenting. Continue reading

Saying Goodbye to the Grand Child Who Hates Me.

one of the hardest things

There are grandchildren that I will never know because their parent is denied any access, not by the courts, but by the parent/step parent raising them.

These children have been taught to hate.  They have been filled with lies that are supported not only by their one birth parent, but by the people around them.  I am at a loss because I don’t think I have ever associated with anyone who would have allowed me to speak such horrible things in front of an adult let alone a child.  My friends and family would have called me on such behaviour.  They would have told me that a child needs both parents.  They would have urged me towards compassion. Continue reading

Who is Raising Our Children?

parental abuse

Our children have no way of really understanding how their parents sacrificed for them. Especially not in a war being fought in family courts with lies and parents and step parents bidding for children with money and privilege as if they are real evidence of love.

They aren’t.

A wide screen TV, no matter how cool the model, has never made up for the lack of real connection in people’s lives. It is, at best, a temporary distraction. They can never give a person purpose or grounding or ever feed their soul through the long dark night. Continue reading

PAS – Let’s Talk About Step Moms.

77c75540b97bebe636130b9cf4247b51

There are plenty of problems with step moms who overstep their boundaries with their step child and who make a difficult situation worse.

Your ego has NO PLACE in the situation you find yourself in.  You got involved with a man who has a history that involves his children from a previous marriage/relationship.  You clearly chose to be in this position.

The children come first. Continue reading