Sometimes I wander in that place where I feel completely and totally alone. My pain is like a cancer that is eating me whole. I cannot find the words to ask for help. The smiling happy faces of those who praise Jesus for answering their prayers and helping them to win the head cheerleader position is salt in my open wounds. I am not lifted or encouraged by their sharing. Instead, I consider that I am that unworthy that my pain is not as important as someone else’s cheerleading.
I cry so hard sometimes I am afraid I will never be able to stop and when I do stop … exhausted and gulping for air in staccatoed gasps I am still alone and the silence is like a roar that never ends. Does anyone love me?
I know these are my demons, gifts from a childhood where I was delivered into the hands of people who at best never wanted me and at worst … well, I leave those stories untold… Continue reading