To the Woman Who Has Raised Another Woman’s Child.

the other mothers

It is an unenviable positions to raise another’s child. You are not blood, you will never be first, even though you might do most, if not all, of the hard work.

It takes someone very special to get it right.

Those that can step up to that challenge seem to understand that it is not a competition and the goal is for the child to grow up healthy and happy. They understand they may not be loved as a mother but they will be loved as the woman who raised them. We get caught up in the title. Does it even matter? Isn’t the important thing the love itself? When we focus on the title it is clear that what we are wanting out of the experience is praise and we are making it all about us and not the child.

Those who have alienated the child from their mother, who have taught the child to hate by feeding them lies and orchestrating drama and keeping the child from seeing their mother, are perhaps the most disgusting human beings. I say that because as women, we know the bonds of mother child and to purposefully interfere with those is not much different from what a paedophile does. You have taken a child’s innocence. You have poured your darkness into their light. You have used that child for your own personal gratification without any regard for the damage you have caused. You have done it to a child that was not your own.

I can only imagine the pain and suffering for women today who will not hear a single thing from their stolen child, except a message of hate. Those mothers will be silent, and take the abuse, and hold on to their hope that maybe one day their child will know the truth. They will do that because they are not usually the women who will put the child in the middle of the battle and make things worse. They do that because they ARE that child’s mother and THAT is what mother’s do. They sacrifice.

These women are so lacking in self esteem they cannot form a relationship with a mere child based on their own experience. Their relationship is forged by destroying another human being, because even a smidge of emotion left in that child for their mother is a threat to their insecurity.

Facebook will be full today of “shove it in your face” salutations from manipulated children gushing over the women who have destroyed their natural feelings for their own mothers. And somewhere a woman will weep while another woman and a stolen child high five one another with “wait until she sees THAT one.” That woman will not see the pain behind the child’s eyes as she says and does what she has to keep that woman happy. Those posts will then be commented on by all the people who support that woman in destroying the child. They will type in their words of encouragement and testaments to what a great mother that woman is compared to the biological mother. There will be more high fives and laughter as a mother weeps.

That is what we have become as people.

I worry about what these children will grow up like. I worry about being raised on a steady diet of hate and a campaign of unkindness. We talk about bullying, and yet there are parents instructing their kids on step by step methods. I worry about their ability to see people as human beings, and situations as having many shades, of not understanding no-one is perfect and it is never as simple as this person is all bad/wrong and this person is all good/right. I worry about the lies they have built their lives on, believing themselves to be better, and that in doing so, they have the right to then go out of their way to be cruel to someone else who is trying to say, “I love you.” I worry about them not understanding love, not understanding the kind of love that makes sacrifices.

I worry what kind of parents these kids will be. The circle will intensify. When these children are adults and dealing with broken homes and raising other children, will they resort to more violent methods? Will they be any more capable of doing the right thing?

And I worry that we all sit here, not aware, not seeing what is happening. I worry that even if we do we calm our discomfort with the mantra, “There is nothing I can do about it.”

Children are not weapons. They need to know that they are loved by all the people involved in their lives. They need to be protected from any of the grown-up legal matters that need to be sorted, and allowed to be children who are taught to love and to believe in a world that is full of possibilities. Our children need to learn skills of working with people, all people, and to negotiate social situations and relationships in ways that do not leave people broken and destroyed. They do not need to be schooled in ways to bully, to hurt, to hate.

And parents who do that, and all the people around those parents who support their efforts, are engaging in child abuse that I believe they should have to answer for.

Gratitude for the Spirit of Motherhood on Mother’s Day.

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(The Mother’s Hand (1966) by Antanas Sutkus)

I never had a mother.

I don’t know much about her, and what little I was told has proven to be mostly lies.

I had people who raised me. Who showed up, did their job and went home at the end of the day.

So I have never really celebrated Mother’s Day in the sense of being able to tell my mother I love her, or thank her for anything. I actually do not know what it would be like to have a mother who loved and wanted me, who thought I was wonderful, who was proud of me, or cheered for me, or wanted me to succeed but held my hand when I failed.   I don’t know what it is like to have those arms around me.  I don’t have a circle.  I only have my own limited existence and the effort I made to mother myself.  So I have looked long and deep at other women and their families.

I have always celebrated the spirit of motherhood that I see in women as their true creative force. Women give birth, not just to children, but to life . . . in so many different modalities.

I celebrate in terms of appreciating all those women around me who are mothers. I see their struggles and doubts, their loneliness sometimes and the feelings of being unappreciated. I am particularly drawn to those whose children never make the time to ever say they love them, let alone pay any tribute on the one day a year designated for that activity. The fact they are not recognized by the children they sacrificed for does not make their efforts any less than others.

I am drawn to those who never had children and yet contribute to the world in so many ways, and often are the arms and support to other women as they raise their children. The aunts, and sisters and friends who mean so much to us because they always show up and help love our kids and often become good friends to them as well as us.

I am drawn to those whose children are gone and who never had the chance to finish what was started. I hope their children made time to let their mothers know before it was too late, that they cared.

But most of all I look at the young women who don’t yet know how quickly it is all over and who feel like they are drowning and doing a lousy job. You aren’t. Kids say and do things, sometime horrible things, not because that is who they are or even how they feel, but because you created a safe enough place that they are real people who are learning and growing and they know they can be imperfect without worrying about suffering a loss of your love.

I know what I feel as a mother and how much my children mean to me and the blessing – and the sorrows – they bring to my life.  It is the true definition of love.  And I know I am blessed to have children, to be in their lives, and that what I do or do not do has had, and will have tremendous impact on their lives.  At times it is an overwhelming responsibility.  How often I have longed for my own mother to guide me and encourage me.  I did not have that.

So I am thankful to the women who have mothered me in so many ways, sometimes just their example that inspired me.  And I am grateful for those who shared my journey and therefore blessed my life.

Mothering is THE life force.  We share in it collectively as women, regardless of our situations.

Thank you.

Happy Mother’s Day.

PAS and Mother’s Day.

PAS

Another good site with discussion and sharing.  http://momsheartsunsilenced.com/

Good parents know that no child hates their parent unless they are taught. Good parents know how to protect a child’s heart and not to poison it with their own hate. That is not love, that is using the child as a weapon because you are inadequate as a human being and need help.

Parents who applaud or encourage a child to say or do mean or hateful things to their other parent are despicable bullying human beings. if you want to know why kids are bullying one another check out these parents.

brainwashing

http://www.brainwashingchildren.com/

I am particularly highlighting one of his posts that may help in your quest to understand if you are a victim of PAS. Continue reading

Honouring Our Own Healing Through Our Mothers On Mother’s Day.

motherhood

http://www.growingyourbaby.com/2012/05/12/mothers-day-quotes/

I never had a “mother.”  I have never called anyone that name.  Ever.

This past week we had to face the real possibility of losing our mother in law and I watched in sadness as a good friend lost her mother.  Why does it take death for us to really reflect on what a relationship meant to us and what we said and did … and didn’t?

How much empty space exists in the world right now, waiting to be filled with all the things we should have done but didn’t? Continue reading